another good one

I hate Ira Glass. He's like an older, smarter, but just as offensive version of Conor Oberst; whereas Conor Oberst wants you to fawn over his purity, Ira Glass wants you to think he's a 23-year old indie rocker with a huge brain/dick (Glass is 50 years old and lives with his wife in Chicago). Basically, both men are using different tactics to get into the pants of young women.

I hate Ira Glass's radio voice. This is what I imagine happens when he records his show: he has himself set up in front of a large vanity mirror with a microphone on it. He stuffs one cotton ball into each corner of his mouth. He has a metronome next to the microphone; when the metronome tick hits the left or right extreme, he speeds up his talking to the point where his words mush together and you can't understand a thing he's saying. When the metronome tick hits the center, his words are clearer and actually make sense. There's a small television showing a football game to the right of the vanity (he secretly likes watching sports, like the majority of the population, but because of his nebbish looks and overeducation, he feels the need to maintain appearances, and only watches the game in the confines of his private audio studio, while recording his show). His gaze wavers between the game and the image of himself before him, as he only half-pays attention to the audio recording he is meanwhile producing. Beneath the vanity mirror, a 23-year old girl is giving him a blow job. In order that the girl doesn't spill the beans to the world about Ira Glass's secret love for football and other mainstream sports, once the show is over, Glass escorts the girl to a special door to the side of the recording studio, behind which she is dowsed in liquid magnesium sulfate, which turns her body into fertilizer which Ira Glass will use in his organic garden.

Just listen: